Jacqui’s behaviour at the commitment ceremony scares co-stars and frustrates her husband Ryan. Photo / Channel 9

A Married At First Sight wife’s loony behaviour at Sunday’s commitment ceremony scares her co-stars and pushes her husband to quote Carrie Bradshaw’s empowering self-love monologue from the closing scene of the Sex And The City finale.

Then, in a twist, the wife makes a decision that prioritises the plot of the show over the happiness of her partner.

Mr Big could never.

Let’s face it: we’re only tuning in for this final commitment ceremony to see the bizarre marriage of Jacqui and Ryan take yet another turn. Despite the best efforts of producers to make us care about the subplot of Teejay and Beth (he was encouraged to sleep with her even though he wasn’t sure of his feelings and now he’s being scolded for it by the experts), we don’t particularly wish to get involved.

We’re far more concerned with a different development. We barge into Ryan’s bathroom where we find him pretending to shave his beard, just days after Jacqui tried to shame him into actually doing so.

Snip-snip. Photo / Channel 9

Why is he pretending to shave his beard? Purely to mock his wife. After all, he declared at Wednesday’s dinner party that he’s done with his marriage and plans to leave at the commitment ceremony.

But Jacqui’s not convinced.

“He’s writing stay,” she tells us, her tone tinged with smug knowingness.

Um … any thoughts, Ryan?

“I’m writing leave,” he promises us as he makes his way to the showdown.

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Well then. This should be fun.

On the couch at the commitment ceremony, Ryan tells the experts everything – how Jacqui has criticised and emasculated him, and how she called him a small-brained, bearded brunette.

This prompts Jacqui to start cackling maniacally.

Cacklin’ Jacqueline. Photo / Channel 9

The reaction terrifies everyone in the room.

“Why is she laughing?” Jamie whispers.

The experts exchange nervous glances.

“This seems like a job for an ‘actual’ therapist.” Photo / Channel 9

“I’m not sure what’s funny,” Mel Schilling stammers.

John Aiken demands answers.

“Jacqui, explain yourself,” he snaps. “Why are you laughing about something that is so, so important to him? He feels you don’t accept him as a man, as a human being. Then, you laughed. Rolled your eyes and giggled.”

Suddenly, Jacqueline SC enters the chat. She immediately counters the allegations being levelled at her.

“I feel like I’ve compromised on basically everything,” she argues.

John requests a list of things she has compromised on, knowing full well the ridiculousness that’s about to ensue.

“Sleeping times,” Jacqui declares. “Ryan doesn’t like it if I wake up early to go to the gym and accidentally wake him up. And the cleanliness around the kitchen. Ryan just leaves his bowls and dishes out in the sink for up to a day. I let him watch TV in the bedroom, which is a massive compromise for me.”

Everyone laughs at her.

John tries to respond diplomatically. “These situations are very … niche.”

Stupid, John. The word you’re looking for is stupid.

And we predict Jacqui will start fake crying in five, four, three, two …

That tissue remains bone dry. Photo / Channel 9

She tries to manipulate the group like a little girl who’s crying crocodile tears to avoid punishment. And then we watch as she tries to shift the blame to Ryan, accusing him of scolding her.

The experts each shoot her a don’t-mess-with-us glare.

Gurl, please. Photo / Channel 9

“We’ve observed it over many weeks,” sexpert Alessandra says of Jacqui’s tendency to berate her husband. “It’s been the entire experiment.”

But Jacqui is convinced she can still twist the narrative.

“I’m trying to understand why you keep treating me like this, Ryan!” she sobs.

Ryan scrunches his face in bafflement. “Treating you like what?”

Not wanting to waste one more second in this madhouse, Ryan raises his decision card: leave.

Still, it doesn’t matter what Ryan wants. It all comes down to Jacqui. Ryan might wish to escape. But Jacqui has other plans.

She raises her decision card: stay.

Ryan is trapped for another week.

He looks … thrilled?

Yay? Photo / Channel 9

“Why did you write stay when you’ve expressed unhappiness at multiple intervals?” Ryan fumes.

Jacqui proceeds to cry more fake tears. Simultaneously, Ryan cries real tears about the punishment that’s being inflicted on him.

He has been beaten down for weeks by his wife. Jacqui has criticised everything about him – from his patchy facial hair to his career as a high-flying stormwater drain executive. This week’s latest blip where she judged his gross home is the final straw.

Taking inspiration from Carrie Bradshaw in the final scene of Sex And The City, Ryan declares the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself.

“I’ve got a beautiful life and I’m honestly happy with myself,” he says, slightly bungling Bradshaw’s prose.

Cue You’ve Got The Love.

Married at First Sight screens Sundays to Wednesdays on Three and Three Now