“Wait a second, what’s that in his stomach? It’s the Epstein files!” the “Late Show” host said.
Bone Spurs Begone
On Air Force One this week, President Trump told reporters that he’d recently had an M.R.I. scan, and that the results were “perfect.”
“Some of the best M.R.I. reports they’ve ever seen,” Stephen Colbert said on Wednesday. “In fact, we here at ‘The Late Show’ were able to acquire a copy of Trump’s M.R.I.”
“Wait a second, what’s that in his stomach? It’s the Epstein files!” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“Quick reminder: People don’t just ‘get’ an M.R.I. It’s usually something you only get when the doctors think something’s wrong with you. Scans are typically ordered for disease detection and monitoring, or to detect bone or joint abnormalities. Wait a second: bone abnormalities? If he aced it, that means his bone spurs are gone! Congratulations, Mr. President, you’re going to Vietnam!” — STEPHEN COLBERT
The Punchiest Punchlines (From Tokyo With Love Edition)
“Well, guys, today, President Trump was in Tokyo, where he attended a meeting and ate lunch with the new prime minister of Japan. The prime minister said it was her first time seeing someone dip their sushi in ketchup.” — JIMMY FALLON
“The prime minister gifted Trump a golf bag, a golden putter and told him that she had nominated him for the Nobel Peace Prize. Trump was like, ‘I think I found my soul mate.’” — JIMMY FALLON
“Japan is trying to get on Trump’s good side to escape his, you know, his random tariff spree. So they gave him a couple gifts for America’s upcoming 250th birthday: some fireworks and 250 cherry trees, or, as it will be known in history books, ‘How Eric Trump started the D.C. wildfires.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“Wow. OK, she is a great gift giver. A golf ball covered in gold? That is a combination of two of Trump’s favorite things. I mean, how could you even top that? Maybe an Epstein Island made of Lee Greenwoods?” — DESI LYDIC
“The charm offensive seems to have worked, though. Trump praised the new Japanese prime minister as a winner, he said they’d become very close friends, and he told reporters he has caught more shrimp in his mouth at Benihana than any president in history.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
News
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🪂 “THE MOONLESS PARACHUTE NIGHT…” — A young paratrooper falls into enemy territory, carrying a letter from his mother and a secret that could change the entire battle
The wind inside the transport plane sounded like a living thing—howling through the metal seams, rattling the straps, tugging at…
🚒 “THE FINAL SHIFT IN A STORM OF FLAMES…” — The firefighter rushed into a collapsing building just to keep a promise to a child waiting inside, a decision that left the entire city in stunned silence
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